seventeen lies
each cut reveals a new layer
thighs, almost true white
a smooth separation
lines between colors
thin grey lines
loving you until these lives
dry up
seventeen lies
i counted carefully
holding you close now
now, just like then
do you remember?
i’m pretty sure
we were still smoking
when it all went up

My girlfriend and I and an old Volvo vs. the world.

We traveled most of the US for about a year.

At one point we lived in Willamette National Forest.

People straight up live in those woods.

The forest is about an hour east of Eugene Oregon. Lady in an overgrown schoolbus with children. Girl in a tree. There are supposedly crystal caves, me and a friend hiked for days and days trying to find them. We climbed straight up the side of a sheer, 90 degree waterfall once. We walked up a bit and found this boulder. heaved it loose and let it roll roll roll, until it started tumbling powerfully down and the off the side of the cliff near the waterfall. We were much higher up now so we couldn’t see what it hit after it went over. There was just a pause and then a smash. We both had instant panic attacks thinking we may have killed someone. For instance my girlfriend who said she might follow our trail and try to catch up with us after her breakfast.

The Cougar hot springs themselves are incredible. Three natural pools in the rock, each lower than the other, the water runs down, each one is cooler. First one is hot as shit. There is lithium deposits in the water. Not sure if it’s the heat or the lithium or being high on insanely potent marijuana that fucks you up the most. Everyone gets naked before getting in the pools, its unspoken and oddly natural.

There are Native Americans in the woods.

One time we were camping in the middle of nowhere and a man just seriously walked right out of a bush completely silently. His name was “Running Wolf”, I think he was wanted for murder but I recall it was like out of an 80’s movie — someone killed his parents and he attacked and killed them but it looked as though he had done it. That crazy. He drew pictures with my black bic pen in my big art pad of wolves, i think i still have them somewhere.

We hung out with this x-meth-tweaker for a few days but he got really clingy and annoying. He started to just assume he was going wherever we were. He had no home — this awkward situation when you are homeless hanging out with homeless. How do you say “hey, we don’t want to travel with you anymore so where do you want us to dump you off”. In his case we hiked with him at night, waited for him to fall asleep and then quietly hiked back down to our car. We left him a sleeping bag (that he was in), shoes (he was wearing) and a decent amount of food. It’s easy to get back to town, there are tons of hippies in the woods you can hitch with. Still felt kind of odd sneaking away leaving an old totally washed up homeless man in the woods.

one time
my brother found you crumpled up
napkins
soda, dirty jeans, ripped
jaw, blood
let’s run through the city
with wild eyes and hair
singing days and days gone by
rabbits hidden
when she laughed, genuinely
with me
she was with me
i had to turn away
it was too real
here i was just trying to fake it
how can you meet real laughter
when you have been forcing a smile all evening?
remember when you first saw
the living god
crackling
sparkling
through
like pure translucence
i can tell by your smile sometimes
that you are soaked in presence
presence of the one
god
pure radiant white light
golden shackles holding me down
deep iron, cast iron chains
turn, staining my skin with rust
my hair bristles in the chill of this night
pine trees for miles and miles
i can hear every sound
i am alone in the wooods
it is so dark
there is fear buzzing
i have been alone for too long, my mind is buzzing